Can you hear yourself now?

Time for a hearing test. No, not the kind that someone else wants you to get because they think you need hearing aids; this is a more of a “listening” test that can help you be more effective, more confident. This test is not age-related; it’s performance-related.

This listening test is intended to tune your awareness into the “whole” message, both what’s said and what’s unsaid. Yes, you heard me, the unsaid. The unsaid, which includes tone of voice and body language, is the part of the message that isn’t said out loud, but is definitely communicated and felt by the listener.

Test #1: I’ve heard people say the following statements. What do you hear when you read them?

What is the whole message being expressed and sent by the speaker? What’s the frame of mind of the speaker? What frame of mind do these comments put you into?

“It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life; it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power!” – Robert T. Kiosaki

Test #2: What do you hear from these statements I heard from three members of the same team?

What’s the message? What do you think the speaker intends to be understood? How might these words land on the listener?

NOTES: I know some of these statements are made as social grease, meaning not believed, really. I’m not talking about those times. I also do not think anything is inherently good or bad with any of the statements in Test 1 or 2. What I want to shed some light on is how we need to pay attention to the whole message because it impacts the quality of relationships and what we can accomplish.

Did you pass?

OK, let’s check your answers with the Work In Progress coaching’s Listening Awareness Assessment. This assessment comes up from my 25+ years of studying effective communication and coaching thousands of people committed to improving their results, building effective teams.

Test #1 Assessment

What’s said – What’s heard 

Life isn’t fair. – Some cosmic power arbitrarily distributes rewards and punishments.

I’m not perfect; I’m only human. – A statement offered as a reason why something did or did not happen.

Big organizations are inherently flawed because they are inhabited by human beings. – A statement offered by Governor Chris Christie explaining why the shut down of lanes on the George Washington Bridge happened.

Can you hear the whole message, especially what’s unsaid? I hear: Whatever happens to you or me, well, just happens. our destiny is out of our hands.  I hear a commitment to shirk responsibility, not be responsible.

Test #2 Assessment

What’s said – What’s heard

I love conflict! – Disagreeing, even arguing, is fun! Bring it on!

I don’t get involved in people’s emotional issues. – Facts and logic are all that matter.

I don’t like conflict. – If I feel at odds with you, I’ll probably shut down.

What do you hear? I hear a lack of respect for other styles of processing information and making decisions and the development of strained, watch-your-back relationships. I hear the dismissal of emotions as irrelevant and that soft stuff gets in the way.

Why does “listening” awareness matter?

“No one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves.” Marianne Williamson

I’m guessing you already know. If we are not aware of how what we say may land and be heard and understood, we are less effective and less connected to others. Even a 5-year old has experienced the power of words and tone of voice and felt support or suppression. You know there have been times, perhaps too many, when you hoped people heard what you really meant, not what you actually said.

Here’s my point: The more we come believe we are responsible for what we say and aware of how it might be heard, the more we can say what we mean, the more we can build relationships of openness and trust which produce excellent results.

Want to improve your listening? Here are three actions to take:

1. Recognize your biases. They are only damaging when you don’t know you have them.

2. Know your communication preferences and learn to manage them.

3. Seek feedback. Ask people what they hear you say and don’t argue with them. Knowing how you appear, show up, to others is the key to influence and leadership.

If you hear yourself more accurately, you’ll hear others more clearly, too, and you will deliver results that the non-listening crowd can’t.