Got complaints? Replace whines with action!

When a friend’s birthday approaches, I sort through my stash of cards for one that’s appropriate. For the last 6 years (OK, maybe 10), I’ve rejected the same 5 birthday cards. What I thought was funny when I bought them, isn’t funny anymore.

The cards in the No pile include an old gal hiking up pants with an obviously elastic waist band and an elderly chorus line dressed in too-red lips surrounding perfect dentures and topped with blond wigs. (That I haven’t included images of the cards shows you just how much I want to distance myself from their messages.)

This month, instead of putting the cards back in the stash, I’m putting them in the trash.

Keeping them has been costing me something more precious than the $30 I paid for them. I complain to myself because I’ve spent money on something that’s now useless. I feel sad because the images and sentiments are way too close to reality.   Keeping them has been costing me my self-respect.

That may sound silly.  After all, they are just birthday cards. But when I complain about something I CAN DO something about, and then I DON’T DO anything about it, I downgrade my power and self-image.

I know it’s not the last time I will complain or be sad, but it’s the last time these cards will be the trigger.

Why complain?

Face it. We complain in order to distract. We complain about gas prices, our weight, our busy schedules, red tape, poor governance hoping the listener (which is often only ourselves) hears our deeper message: Poor me. I’m not responsible. I can’t do what I need to do because of “how things are out there.”   We become fog machines, misting complaints in hopes of obscuring what we should be accomplishing, but aren’t. Worse, our mist obscures our power from ourselves.

Sometimes complaints spur us into action. If that’s your M.O., bravo! Complain away! It’s the complaints that we don’t take action to resolve that I’m talking about. Not taking action steals our energy while having no impact whatsoever on the object of our complaint. It’s the unresolved complaints that we can do something about that cement us to the past, suck our energy and downgrade our spirit. (TIP:  For the complaints we can’t do anything about, give them up.)

Why stop?

The result of continuing to complain? Dying a slow death of regret and resentment.

Let’s translate this into being a more effective leader of yourself and others.  When you (especially if you are the leader) stop complaining (especially about the same thing, day in/day out), the people around you will no longer be contaminated by your sour mood. (You do know it gets on them, don’t you?)

To defog yourself, do this 2-minute exercise designed by David Allen, productivity expert.

1. What is on my mind right now? What bugs, distracts me? (Ex: The plant in the lobby looks horrible.)
2. What is my intended outcome? What would need to happen for this item to be done? (Ex: Our lobby should have vibrant plants.)
3. What is the next physical action to take? By when? It is a call, making a request or offer? (Ex: Email Sharon to replace all unhealthy plants by next Tuesday.)

Don’t wait to use this exercise for the big, really important stuff.  More often it’s the little stuff (dead plants, perpetually late reports, meetings that always run over) that we tolerate which undermine our power more than the big stuff.

(Cue music. “Free your mind” by enVogue; “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon)

The exercise works if your complaint isn’t about a what but a who. The answers to the 3 questions about a “who” might look like this: Distraction: I can’t get my managers to stay within their budgets. Outcome: We, as a management team, are responsible for the whole company. Action: Request a managers meeting and take corrective action.

Actions count

Do Allen’s exercise daily for the next 15 days. I predict you will experience a new level of self-empowerment and forge more powerful relationships. (Offer: Send me a sample of your 3-questions/answers and I’ll gift you a 30-minute coaching call on a topic of your choice.)

You may find when you do this exercise that you need to upgrade your management and leadership skills you’ve relied on for the last 10 years. Why? Just as you stay current with changes in your customer’s needs, you need to stay current with the needs of the people you lead, even people who have been with you from the start.

Do Allen’s exercise with them.   Follow up to support their action plan.  Ask them about their current priorities and challenges. Follow up to support their progress. When you do this, you send a message that you care. What a gift. And it isn’t even their birthday. (Cue music. “Brand New Me,” Alicia Keys) 

PS: I’ve also moved the milk from back behind other tall containers on top shelf to the door. No more complaining about having to bend down to find it.