Date forever, Never marry

We date to find  “the one” – that special someone with whom we fit.

We ask questions, share feelings, watch and listen closely. We introduce friends so we can ask them later, “Well, … what do you think?” While the specific criteria may vary, the core commitment is universal: Find someone with whom we can share values, dreams, and a forever.

We allow our criteria for “the one” to change as we change. It’s not only OK, it makes sense.

Why don’t we date our opinions, instead of marrying them forever?

Date your opinion

Next time you are guarding your position, try these 5 steps to take your opinion on a date:

1. Own what’s going on for you. Acknowledge what you’re feeling to others. (“I notice I’m not listening to your ideas as openly as I want to.”) Restate your commitment. (“My commitment is to honestly consider your input.”)
2. Listen generously. Ask them to share (again) their view. (“Tell me again what you see about this.”) Be honestly curious. Build on what’s said. (“I see this benefit ___”.)  Building on what they say does not mean you agree with or are committed to doing their idea.  Build to connect.
3. Suspend the conversation if you can’t open up your thinking. No shame in this. This is being responsible. Take a time out and do the background check (below). Set a date to reengage. Get back on the horse soon.
4. Do a background check. This is inner work you can do by yourself, with a coach or a trusted ally who won’t collude with you. Examine your view. How did I come by this opinion?  Is this view forwarding or interrupting my commitments?
5. Reconvene. Sharing what you learned from your background check will build trust with your colleague and yourself. If your view has altered, share that. Altering your opinion is a sign of maturity and self-awareness, not weakness.

Dating policy

What if we were continually curious about our own view of the world? What if we offered our opinions to be examined, by us and others, rather than voicing them to be right and cut off the dialogue?

What might that make possible for building trust, collaborating, innovating?

Maybe now’s a great time to claim the freedom of dating and never marrying.