Secret to Changing Others: You First

It’s not uncommon for someone to tell me that they want to learn how to get other people to change.

In supporting people in all different industries, cultures and circumstances around the globe to transform their teams from good to great and the results that match, I’ve discovered some universal principles about change: (1) We teach what we tolerate. (2) To lead others, lead yourself first.

We teach what we tolerate

As a leader or manager, if you are walking on eggshells with someone (let’s call her Sally), afraid to raise an issue, hoping it will go away, your actions are keeping the issue in place.  Because you have identified an issue or problem, by not dealing with it, you are tolerating it and teaching yourself that it’s OK to ignore issues. You are also adding mass to the idea that your perception of the issue is accurate and the only one. (We both know that’s a myth.)

If you talk about the Sally Issue with others, and still do nothing, you are teaching them it’s OK to ignore issues and gossip about it.  Plus, you’re teaching Sally that her behavior is OK because you are not telling her any different.    A whole lot of counter-productive teaching and learning going on.

Now the issue shifts from being about Sally to being about you, Leader. Here’s where the second principle comes into play.

Lead yourself first

You’ve offered veiled comments in hopes that Sally will take the hints to heart and change. She hasn’t. You’ve talked in generalities to the team in hopes that she’ll get the message and change. She hasn’t. Now the team wonders how come you keep bringing up the topic “in general.” 

Wake up! It’s you who has to change first, not Sally. You have to lead yourself first before you can lead her.

Remember what the airlines tell you: Put on your oxygen mask first, then assist others.

1. Stop tolerating your ineffective behavior: no more hints and indirect messages.  It doesn’t serve you or Sally.
2. When you talk to Sally, watch that the frustration you may have accumulated doesn’t spill into the conversation with Sally. Remember: this is the first time you’ve told her directly of your view.
3. Take responsibility for not dealing with the issue until now; you may want to tell Sally that, as well.  Revealing the part you play in the situation works.
4. Create a partnership with Sally that includes a plan to resolve the issue and a support structure.
5. Complete the plan.

Avoiding issues drains energy and pulls down everyone’s performance.  As a leader, addressing issues, upfront, immediately and without blame, will get rid of the egg shells so everyone can walk freely and perform better.