Don’t let length limit depth

In a recent workshop coaching people to successfully transition from peer to supervisor, I was asked, “Why did you go into teaching?” I thought, then answered “I don’t know.” My professional-self (the self that mimics the conventional wisdom of what I “should” do and say) was shouting inside “Make something up!” My Self-self (the Self shaped by my values and guiding principles, not by “should’s”) was the one that answered.

Sharing the internal debate between my professional-self and my Self-self kicked our conversation into exploring being authentic. We talked about risks, benefits, the uncertainty of the outcome, and willingness to go for it.  Being open, real and available to someone is an opportunity that’s always in front of us. Always.  I didn’t know these people. We’d been talking for maybe 20 minutes. I wasn’t going to see them again.  How long I knew them or that I would not see them after this day didn’t matter. What mattered was supporting them in learning how to reset relationships and be an effective supervisor.

From our conversations about being authentic, we were left with more questions than answers. That’s powerful learning!

Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers can make us laugh, nod our head in silent agreement, even wonder about the driver. Regardless, they make us think.  If we’re lucky, in our coaching conversations, a “bumper sticker” emerges.  It’s not planned. It’s created in the moment.

The next question perked up everyone’s ears: “I am now supervising my buddies who I’ve known for years, some since high school, were my peers.  I can see the benefit and need to reset and redefine the relationship – it’s not easy. We used to slam our supervisor. Now, I’m that guy. Where do I start?”

We often think that because we’ve hung out with someone for years that we really know them.  Yet, when we examine that assumption, we recognize how that way of thinking can block us from knowing someone at a deeper level. If we look at our own lives, we know that what matters to us changes over time, that our paths shift as our new commitments pull us forward.

I asked the questioner: Have your commitments changed since you were in high school? Since you became a father? (He’d shown me a picture of his twins during the break.)  He nodded.

I invited him to have conversations with his buddies in which he shared his new and now commitments, including the kind of boss he wants to be, and to ask what they were committed to now, at this time in their lives and find out what matters to them in this job.  Would the conversations be a little uncomfortable? Probably. Would they help both people reset their relationship? Potentially. Would they be worth having? Definitely.

Then we got lucky. Our bumper sticker showed up:

Don’t let the length of a relationship limit the depth.

I invited everyone to consider that this message might be equally relevant with our families. More nods.  Mine, too.